Lucas Returns, January Woes, and Other Tuesday Notes

By: Noel | January 23rd, 2012

Say, if I followed you home, would you keep me? Or at least not mace me? And would it make any difference if I could give you Tuesday’s news and notes? You don’t have to answer now. Just, you know, think about it. And at least give me a bit of warning on the mace front, if that’s not too much to ask…

* If I told you that over the past five seasons January was the absolute worst time of the year to follow along behind the at times teetering ship that is Liverpool, would you hold it against me? Wait, that doesn’t quite work—and I swear, I’ve only had one beer. Or seven.

The sad truth of the matter, though, is that Liverpool in January really has been about as successful as asking a girl if the tag on her shirt says “Made in Heaven,” and both tend to go hand in hand with one too many alcoholic beverages and a crippling inability to deal with social situations. And while the latter might be solved through the occasional visit to a psychiatrist and heavy doses of non-self-prescribed medication, when it comes to Liverpool it seems to matter little what the remedy and who’s guiding treatment:

Liverpool have averaged 1.00 points per game or fewer in eight months over the last four-and-a-half seasons—eight of 46 months during this time frame. Three were in January, including this season, with one in December. Half of Liverpool’s horrible months since the 2007-08 season have come during winter, under Benitez, Hodgson, and Dalglish.

Admittedly, January isn’t quite over with just yet. If Liverpool win at Wolves on the 31st, it will bump this season’s January average all the way up to 1.00 points per game. Which will still be worse than just four other months since the start of 2007-08.

If there is an upside, it’s that no matter how things go against Wolves the month is almost over, and as illustrated by Nate’s as always top notch infographics that means it’s on to February and March, two months above the median—and in the case of March, Liverpool’s best month over the past five seasons. So at least there’s a silver lining for both the club and your liver. At least that’s what the voices in my head are telling me. Well, that and that I’m here to steal your heart.

* Mario Balotelli stops at random schools to use the washrooms. Mario Balotelli is a crusader against bullying. Mario Balotelli once rode an elephant through downtown Manchester. Mario Balotelli rearranged the alphabet to put U and I together. Plus he also burnt down his house that one time and wore a giant knitted glove on his head. And also there’s some other stuff that he may or may not have done—frankly, if you can imagine it, it’s at worst a 50-50 proposition.

One thing most would agree he did do was to backheel Tottenham’s Scott Parker in the head. Not everybody agrees that it was entirely intentional, and at the time his crime went unpunished, but following the match referee Howard Webb told the FA that had he seen the incident he would have shown Balotelli red. All of which means that the City striker is now set to miss four matches after being given a retroactive red card—his second of the season—by England’s entertainingly bipolar Football Association, and that City will have to decide if they plan on appealing the decision prior to the match against Liverpool on Wednesday.

Whether any of this is in fact good news for Liverpool isn’t entirely certain, of course, as it’s at worst a 50-50 proposition as to whether a fit and available Balotelli would actually help or hinder his club’s chances, but if they choose not to challenge the decision there will at least be less potential for crazy on the pitch come Wednesday night. And because of that, you just heard the sound of my heart breaking.

* Moving back down the M62, and I think it’s fair to say I’ve never seen an angel fly so low. Or use crutches. But there’s a first for everything, and the club’s official site certainly seemed as smitten by Lucas as many of the fans have become over the past few seasons when they reported on his return to Liverpool as he continues his rehabilitation. First they had the semi-posed pictures: The twinkle that spoke of deeper feelings in Jamie Carragher’s eye clear for all the world to see as the two men shook hands; the warm embrace from Dirk Kuyt while Pepe Reina looked on approvingly saying, Yes, this is for the long haul; the woman at the front desk out of focus in the background and oblivious to what’s going on around her.

Then it was on to the player’s statement, with Lucas letting everybody know that the rehab is going well and that he’ll be at Anfield watching the second leg of the semi-final on Wednesday and that the world is once again filled with puppies and sunshine. And with that, suddenly everything was just that little bit better and brighter—even if Lucas is still a good six months from fitness and his return to Liverpool didn’t actually solve the club’s more pressing concerns.

We’ll be back later on, at the very least filled with shame and regret but hopefully also with the preview for Wednesday’s match, but in the meantime (and with a moderate language warning)…

Some Related Liverpool Posts:

Category: Team News

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CheekyFellow

Haha nice banner. You know it brought a smile to you in these dark times.
Suarez from the car park...

I always thought it was 'Wonewy'. You say potayto.....
Ricky Rozay

How long is Spearing out for? Seems odd to be saying this, but I'm desperate for him to return.
Prad

my guess: spearing will start against city tomorrow
LuisSuarezDentist

I think we all agree that we want to see Liverpool up the top of the table challenging to win the league. Well the last time that really challenged was under Rafa in the 2008 - 2009 season. Since then I think Chelsea have got worse, the Scum have got worse, Arsenal have got worse, but City and Spurs have improved. Overall I think the league is maybe slightly weaker. I think if we still had the 2008-2009 squad now we would be top of the league.

So how do the squads compare?

Keepers - Pepe is still the best in the business - no change there. Doni and Cavallieri are probably about the same as non playing back-ups.

Overall - Equal

Defence - I would argue that the 2008-2009 defence was better. I certainly think that Hyypia was a better back-up then than Carra is now. Agger is still Agger, great defender but injury prone. Although Johnson can bomb forward I would argue that Arbeloa was a far more accomplished defender. Enrique is an improvement over all 3 left backs we had in 2008-2009. At least Dossena and Degen arn't part of the current squad!

Overall I would ay that in defence 2008 - 2009 slightly edges it.

Midfield - Whilst I would say that Lucas (before his injury) was the equal to 2008-2009 Mascherano. There is no way that Adam, Spearing, Henderson or Shelvey are anywhere close to Alonso. 2008-2009 Lucas was also a far more accomplished back-up than anybody we have now. On the right wing Kuyt of 2008-2009 was a fantastic player and far more effective than the current version. On the left (although none of them were top quality and all were maddening with their inconsistency) Benayoun, Babel and Riera were a lot better than Downing is now and probably at the same level that Maxi is now. Although Stevie G is still a very influential player, he is not the same player that was destroying teams in 2008-2009. Time and injuries have caught up with him a bit.

Overall - 2008-2009 is far superior in all departments.

Strikers - You can't really compare Suarez and Torres as they are different types of strikers. However even the abject failure that was Robbie Keane would be a better option than Carroll. The 2008-2009 team could also put Babel or Kuyt up front and still be effective.

Overall - Because of more options 2008-2009.

So although we are roughly the same at the back it's clear that to get back to where we should be and challenging for the league we need to significantly improve the midfield (goodbye - Downing, Henderson and Adam) and we need extra options up front (replacement for Carroll).
Redarmy

You mentioned Chelsea, Arsenal and Scum got worse since 2008/09, but of all the former top4 teams, we're the one who got much worse than anybody else. So, from a Liverpool point of view, the league is now much more difficult than it was in 08/09.
It doesn't really make much sense either to compare the current squad with players who are long gone or much older than in 08/09, it is not about replicating some past glory, it's about building something new, and right now we are who we are, and we have the players we have. We cannot just sell half the team and buy a new one, we're not ManCity after all. So better get used to Hendo running around like a headless chicken in a red shirt.
LuisSuarezDentist

I won't argue that we are the team that has fallen the most. That's what happens when you have a combination of Hicks, Gillette, Hodgson and Purslow destroying the club from within. I also agree that we are building something new. The problem is that a lot of the new building blocks (CHAD) are faulty. Now this doesn't mean that we have to tear the whole house down, but it does mean that we have to go back to the drawing board and ditch the dodgy blocks!

The comparison was just to highlight how the standard of players has decreased since 2008-2009. I read somewhere an interview with Gary Gillespie where he was saying that he thought Adam was better than Alonso! Seriously I want a double shot of whatever he has been drinking!

3-4 years ago our spine was Pepe, Carra (at his peak) big Sami or Dagger, Masc, Alonso, Gerrard (at his peak), Kuyt (at his peak) Torres (at his peak).

Nowadays if everyone is fit we still have a very good (if not as great as 2008-2009) spine in Pepe, Skagger, Lucas, Gerrard and Suarez. The problem is that to go with this spine we have a great big beer belly (Adam) a pointless male nipple (Henderson) a greasy ponytail (Carroll) and bowels after 10 pints and a vindaloo (Downing)!
nebhamoo

I'm one step away from getting a post about sunshine and rainbows...puppies are found at the end of a rainbow though aren't they?
redtrev73

Well nobody told us Leprechauns, Nebhamoo...I've been tracking a rainbow for months because we were told there was a pot of gold at the end of it, not a freakin' puppy! And as a canny financial mind, I know that gold's a good investment in a recession!
Noel

I like mixing my metaphors, but I did have you in mind when I stuck that bit in.
nebhamoo

This must be how all my ex girlfriends felt when I used to tell them all my poetry was inspired by them, it feels strangely fulfilling, almost as though the month of January never happened. Thanks Noel you made me forget the past and for once I don't find myself "asleep" on, near or around the toilet (that's a drinking metaphor).
Jose Enrique's Bicep

I wonder how much Kenny is actually going to shuffle the lineup up after that disaster at Bolton. Also, you guys think he'll field a significantly weaker side against Man U or risk playing the strongest XI (or whatever Kenny thinks the strongest XI is) back to back?

P.S. Noel, gotta say, you're a hell of a writer. Seriously.
Noel

I think that no matter what route he takes, City will get the strongest side available. If I had to guess, with only two days off there will be big changes for United no matter how things go tomorrow: Win and there's a cup final to look forward to and he can take the FA Cup more lightly while focusing on the league, lose and it's easy to justify changing the team up. I know it's United, but given everything else right now I think that comes second. Or third or fifth. Though I am wrong fairly often.

And thanks—I do what I can to avoid embarrassing myself.
Tom Foolery

Couple of points:
Could Big JC be more of a gansta? I mean, he's all like, "Here's a handshake and a half-assed smile, Lukey. You think I care that Dirkey and Pepito gave you a warm embrace. Shit, I'm hard as fuck". Next.
Noel, non-self-prescribed medication never works. Prescribe yourself, over, and over, and over again.
How is March going to be better for my liver? It's got my birthday, St. Patty's Day, and I actually DO celebratory drink more than problem drink...so the club's successes = my liver's woes.
And, as for this cold, dark month we find ourselves twindiling away in...well, I'll just repeat my previous point about self-prescribed medication.
fastrail

About Balotelli, up to this point he always looked suck when he played against us. So, it might be a bonus for us when he played? No? And yeah welcome back Lucas, I'm not gay but I love you.
Jose Enrique's Bicep

I'd go gay for Lucas
Ryan

Ya, but he's picked up this knack of doing well the game after blowing up something or getting arrested. He scored in back to back games after his card against us, for example. But this is purely just a dumb observation. Not that I observe "super Mario" often.

What I should say, is I fear Aguero more.
fastrail

Aguero+Silva is a scary thought, seeing that our DM god is injured. Hopefully our defenders will bounce back quickly after last game. They are the Fantastic Four after all.
Ryan

Lucas has returned, even more sensual than before. I've seen some mighty fine things done in a wheelchair. He'll be starting against Citeh. Because he BAD. The disco ball is a nice touch. Nice of Liverpool to install one at Melwood. Via paintshop, or whatever. Who cares.

And why am I so positive we will get an A+ result on Wednesday? We are shitterpathetic. Right? Unfortunately I'll be missing the match, I've got a date with the choir girls. Make that as kinky as you like, or, don't live life to the fullest. I certainly won't, because I can't afford another night out with Chris Hansen. But I'll let you have your fun.

What were we talking about again? oh

Kenny out, Krygiakos in! No that's not it...
fastrail

Shouldn't that be "chicken in"? Okay the chicken jokes had been overused now but still....
Ryan

The chicken jokes are getting old, just as the Krygiakos jokes are coming in style.
redtrev73

Au contraire, I had Chicken Kyrgiakos for dinner yesterday. The perfect dish, stylish but traditional.
Ryan

I thought they shut that place down due to food poisoning incidents.
fastrail

Holy shit. Give me the recipe!