Anfield Banter: No Diego Forlan, No Cisse loan, No Roy, you can’t have Carson, & a little rant about the pathetic piece of shit that is US Soccer

By: Brian | June 24th, 2007

* Villarreal director Jose Manuel Llaneza Dura has said that Forlan is staying put. NO!!!! Hold on… just a second… I’m trying to… make myself cry…

* Rafa will not be letting Cisse out on loan, but if you’d like to buy him, apparently he’s going to be dirt cheap (£8m). I can’t believe we’re going to let him go for that price, especially after proving himself at Marseille last year. Anyhow, moving on.

* No means no, Roy. What’s it gonna take for you to get that through your thick skull? You can’t have our Super Model so fuck off.

* Ah, okay, this has been building up for a while and I was hoping that it wouldn’t come to this, but unfortunately, this little gold-plated pile of shit fell into my lap today. Where to begin… any red-blooded football lover should be no less than pissed that the sport is brought down to this level. Rachel Smith, a.k.a Miss USA, is a great representative for US Soccer. She’s stupid, self-absorbed, and ignorantly optimistic. Here’s the opening for that article:

‘The U.S. men’s national soccer team has a new secret weapon: a 5-foot-11 beauty queen from Clarksville, Tenn., who has never played organized soccer and admittedly has never seen a soccer match in person.’

She’s never played nor seen a soccer match in person, yet she’s the ‘new secret weapon!’ Hey, I’ve never seen nor been to war can I go to Iraq and be the US’ ‘new secret weapon’? Fucking retarded… yet perfect. This is the epitome of US Soccer’s problems, so busy trying to wrap a jar of diarrhea with a flashy silver bow and give it as a wedding gift to the matrimonial ceremony to end our isolationism and bond with the rest of the world, that we forget to try and make the gift just a tad better. Yeah, Miss USA is really gonna show them Mexicans what being an American is all about, go USA! Ugh. I could go on forever about that, but I have bigger fish to fry, most notable Bob Bradley.

I’m hoping that it was not up to Bradley to choose the Copa America squad, because I actually like the guy. I’m hoping a little bird on crack whispered in his ears that it was a stupendous idea to play our best players in what is essentially a Mickey Mouse tournament (a.k.a. Copa de Oro) and leave the leftovers for what is the biggest tournament in the world this summer. Why even accept the invitation if you’re not to take it seriously? This is insulting, not only to CONMEBOL & CONCACAF, not only to Venezuela, not only to the other countries participating and their players, not only to the fans of the teams participating, but to me, the average everyday soccer fan. The US was given the chance to prove something, and I guess they did, they proved that they don’t know shit about football.

Before I go on, let me apologize to Jay Demerit. Can somebody please tell me how Gooch starts over Demerit? Gooch is shit. Plain and simple. Players like Demerit, Heath Pearce, Kamani Hill, Michael Bradley, Clint Dempsey, Frank Simek, Tim Howard, Carlos Bocanegro, DaMarcus Beasley, Danny Califf, and whoever else has the balls and the sense to know that MLS is a teenagers and old man’s league and if you want ever develop into anything worth anything, you’re going have to grow a pair, leave the states, and challenge yourself in another country. And don’t get me started on Landon ‘Landycakes I cry during American Idol because I’m a eunuch’ Donovan. He can go make a butt plug out of In-N-Out Burgers and go bang his D-list wife for shit all I care. He shouldn’t be the face of US Soccer, Demerit should. A guy who went to England and played on a Pub team in a Sunday league and worked his way to help Watford to the Premiership should be the face of US Soccer, not some crybaby homesick loser who doesn’t have the testicular fortitude to make it in the Bundesliga. Once again, I’ll move on…

Now, I’m all for giving the kids a chance, but the US should have done that at the Gold Cup against Guatemala or Trinidad & Tobago, not against Argentina. Let’s take that game for instance, since it’s the first match of the US’ group stage. Can the US win? Well, anything can happen. I guess Dylan Thomas could still be alive. Sunderland could win the Premiership next year. Pigs could eventually evolve to have wings, but honestly, the chances of the US upsetting Argentina are Lilliputian. Is a scoreless draw a positive result? I guess, but that will just prove my point, the US is ball-less. I seriously doubt we’re going to try and play with Argentina and if we do, we might see some history, as in the worse defeat in US history. What’s the point though of bringing an experimental squad to Copa if you’re not going to let them play? There isn’t one.

The US will never become a world football power if they keep going down this path of delusion. US Soccer might be able to inculcate the indifferent zombies and their spawn, who I feel for since they are the true victims, with their sophist philosophy of believing that beating up the little kid on the block makes you a better fighter, but any half-wit knows that’s not going to lead to improvement. It’s an insult to William Blake to think that’s even a crooked road. I actually have things to do. Cheers.